Damage, Inc. - Sore Heart Syndrome

DISCLAIMER:  I will not apologize for my own thoughts or feelings, and I welcome and even invite disagreement, disection, and discussion.  I know I have quite often been wrong when it comes to MANY topics, to the point that I could have built it into a career.

Today, I find myself motivated to move because it hurts too badly to stay stagnant.  I am not whining, not complaining, simply remarking.  My body feels great, my emotions are intact and my spirituality and sobriety are both strong... but my spirit aches today and I need a heart band-aid.

As I approach, carefully, the idea of introducing spiritual activities into our lives, I am amazed at how protective I am of my children in this area.  I know it is not unusual to be protective of ones children, but I am excessively nervous when it comes to introducing my children to new people, new places, and new things;  especially when those things are in a church or spiritual setting.  This has caused me to ache and fear and tighten my forehead in worry, and it has not gone away.

For me, when in pain or anxious, it is helpful to look for the bullet hole rather than just mop the blood up while still bleeding.  So I paused.  I looked for it, and I found it.

My heart was broken as a child when I realized God's world was a painful place.  I was intelligent enough to know that a lot of scientific reasoning had to be right and true.  Therefore, I understood that a human can feel pain, can die, and the globe keeps spinning.  I also was exposed to religion, some of which made sense and some of it just felt correct with no proof.  Some of it made no sense at all, but I felt in my heart that God was okay with me questioning some points of confusion.  In later years I experienced the loss of loved ones, and I still marveled at the universe and found myself in full understanding of an Almighty God who didn't seem to be scared off by me, one of his children, bombarding Him with scientific curiosity.  I kept to those two realms in my mind, the realm of fact and the realm of awestruck wonder.  I understood that there are things in this world that can be proved through scientific method, and also a LOT of things that would remain questions in my mind to be asked at a later date, when I am no longer running around on this fine planet as a living, breathing human.  I am okay with that level of ambiguity.  I know that God and the universe both have some secrets they like to keep to themselves.

But today's heartache comes when I realize that my emotions are still very foreign and refuse to be litmus tested or pinned down.  Some days, those early fears and losses are just there.  They are there are holes in my spirit or heart or whatever you want to call it... soul.  I have a Swiss-cheese soul, and although redeemed, I still feel the phantom pains from older wounds.  Some of those wounds were exemplified by things that were said to me in religious settings.  These things were meant to be helpful, but at the moment, they did nothing to stop the bleeding.  I, therefore, fear that my children will have the same experiences.  I fear that they will hear a human say something and overlay that upon God's unconditional love for them.  I fear they will hear and see legalism and assume it is the truth.

Or maybe I am neatly avoiding my own pain and my own anger over the things humans do with their free-will by focusing on my children.  Maybe instead of being scared for them, I need to look at myself.  I cannot protect them from the world, but I can strengthen myself in order to be there for them to lean on if the world confuses them.  I can continually learn and grow so I can answer their questions.  I can have faith that nothing any person can say to them is more powerful than God's love for them, and nothing I do is more important than loving them with every bit of energy I have.

Usually when a muscle is sore, it is because it has been overworked or is growing.  I hope today that my heartache is just your basic equation of muscle ache due to being worked, tested, and pushed.  I also know that a muscle worked needs time to heal.  So whether it is my soul or my heart, I hope today I walk a path upon which there is a first-aid kit.

The Weird List, As Promised

The following are the oddball things that motivate me lately.  Who knows why.  The muse, if you will, is part of each of our psyche, our brains, or souls or whatever that wants to be fed various stuff or it will not cough up the goods.  I do not have the slightest idea why my ego is such a big baby, but it keeps my brain going so fast that the muse/creative part of me has to struggle to get out.  It didn't used to be this way, but as an adult, or someone pretending to be one, I have these weird things called responsibilities.  The to-do lists never end, the budgeting, the laundry, the things we think about and write down and build schedules around... as a child, I never worried about those sort of things.  I was very, very concerned about whether or not I could convince my mother to buy me a new box of crayons.  I was threatened by the idea of bedtime, as I would have to stop creating, imagining. playing.  I didn't have the vortex of worry... well, actually, I did but creating made it slow down.

THE WEIRD LIST

I can't write in the same place two days in a row.  I have to move around the house, around town even.  This flies in the face of everything 'they' tell you about developing a sacred space.  Maybe I will grow out of this...

I need to hand write, sometimes with marker, with different types of paper, and then type, then dictate, then note-take... yeah, again, I have to mix it up.

I am oddly motivated by Bruce Springsteen (he reminds me of someone I used to know) this week, and also American Horror Show and Bjork. Next week it will change.  I have to try and keep up.

Chaos has to go.  I used to think it fueled creativity.  Now I think it eats it.

Juxtapoz and Hi-Fructose magazines.  Just trust me.  Phenomenal art of the best kind; the type that makes you want to jump out of your chair and go paint something or someone, whatever happens to cross your path next.

Hmm... I will add more to this some other day, but the muse part of my head is pissed that the CD ended and is hungry again.  Off to switch the music and to switch on the creative, hopefully.

Funnels and Rubber Ducks - The Master List (Tomorrow: The Weird List)

There are obvious things that motivate me and keep breathing in and out each day.  These things keep me on the straight and narrow, the drugless and drunkless path, the path I personally am meant to be on at this point in my life. They keep me steady when my body hurts and my mind cramps up over some past painful thing.

The following items are on the "obvious" motivational item list.  When I need to simplify my focus, I draw back to these things, funneling down into them.  I try at those moments to forget about anything and everything else.

God - For me, this includes my personal spiritual beliefs as well as sanity, sobriety, sanctity of life... this is a wildly personal relationship that I will not attempt to explain in this format.  God, the Universe, everything.

My children - I love them.  Even just watching them sleep motivates me to be a better person.  Heck,  when they are challenging me, I am motivated to rise to the occasion.  Children are the most efficient ego removal system known to mankind.  They reflect my defects, they enhance my attributes, they remind me that I am not the youngest generation.  Plus, I love them to pieces and they are pretty damn awesome people.  It is a privilege to parent, for any length of time, for any reason.

My friends, boyfriend and family - These people know me and have not ran yet.  They are brave.

The creative spirit of mankind - This is one of those goofy concepts that I can feel in my heart and I celebrate it as often as possible.

Nature and all that good stuff - The basics are often good enough.  If I can get around things that are growing and alive, I remember that this is not all about me, and my ego goes off into a corner and pouts, allowing my soul some time to hang out.

Purpose -  When I am allowed a chance to pass on my experiences and how I got through them, or how I didn't... only then are the horrors of life given a chance to come into the second act as heroes.  If I lose my rubber duck, for example, I am alone in my search and my sorrow.  If later I realize that you, too, lost your rubber duck, we have an instant bond, and we can either find our ducks together, or sit and talk about how much we loved them and how hard it is to let them go.

TOMORROW:  I will reveal the not-so-obvious list.  I would love, at that time, for others to comment and add the things that motivate them, especially if those things are on the non-obvious side.