DISCLAIMER: I will not apologize for my own thoughts or feelings, and I welcome and even invite disagreement, disection, and discussion. I know I have quite often been wrong when it comes to MANY topics, to the point that I could have built it into a career.
Today, I find myself motivated to move because it hurts too badly to stay stagnant. I am not whining, not complaining, simply remarking. My body feels great, my emotions are intact and my spirituality and sobriety are both strong... but my spirit aches today and I need a heart band-aid.
As I approach, carefully, the idea of introducing spiritual activities into our lives, I am amazed at how protective I am of my children in this area. I know it is not unusual to be protective of ones children, but I am excessively nervous when it comes to introducing my children to new people, new places, and new things; especially when those things are in a church or spiritual setting. This has caused me to ache and fear and tighten my forehead in worry, and it has not gone away.
For me, when in pain or anxious, it is helpful to look for the bullet hole rather than just mop the blood up while still bleeding. So I paused. I looked for it, and I found it.
My heart was broken as a child when I realized God's world was a painful place. I was intelligent enough to know that a lot of scientific reasoning had to be right and true. Therefore, I understood that a human can feel pain, can die, and the globe keeps spinning. I also was exposed to religion, some of which made sense and some of it just felt correct with no proof. Some of it made no sense at all, but I felt in my heart that God was okay with me questioning some points of confusion. In later years I experienced the loss of loved ones, and I still marveled at the universe and found myself in full understanding of an Almighty God who didn't seem to be scared off by me, one of his children, bombarding Him with scientific curiosity. I kept to those two realms in my mind, the realm of fact and the realm of awestruck wonder. I understood that there are things in this world that can be proved through scientific method, and also a LOT of things that would remain questions in my mind to be asked at a later date, when I am no longer running around on this fine planet as a living, breathing human. I am okay with that level of ambiguity. I know that God and the universe both have some secrets they like to keep to themselves.
But today's heartache comes when I realize that my emotions are still very foreign and refuse to be litmus tested or pinned down. Some days, those early fears and losses are just there. They are there are holes in my spirit or heart or whatever you want to call it... soul. I have a Swiss-cheese soul, and although redeemed, I still feel the phantom pains from older wounds. Some of those wounds were exemplified by things that were said to me in religious settings. These things were meant to be helpful, but at the moment, they did nothing to stop the bleeding. I, therefore, fear that my children will have the same experiences. I fear that they will hear a human say something and overlay that upon God's unconditional love for them. I fear they will hear and see legalism and assume it is the truth.
Or maybe I am neatly avoiding my own pain and my own anger over the things humans do with their free-will by focusing on my children. Maybe instead of being scared for them, I need to look at myself. I cannot protect them from the world, but I can strengthen myself in order to be there for them to lean on if the world confuses them. I can continually learn and grow so I can answer their questions. I can have faith that nothing any person can say to them is more powerful than God's love for them, and nothing I do is more important than loving them with every bit of energy I have.
Usually when a muscle is sore, it is because it has been overworked or is growing. I hope today that my heartache is just your basic equation of muscle ache due to being worked, tested, and pushed. I also know that a muscle worked needs time to heal. So whether it is my soul or my heart, I hope today I walk a path upon which there is a first-aid kit.
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