I snickered in my head at the following notion, suggested by the awesome Sandra=Acupuncturist Extraordinaire (this is not an ad, but I will fork out her info upon request). I will explain the internal giggling momentarily.
"Do not think of losing weight or trying to lose negative images, thoughts. Loss implies that you have a void, that you need to search for something. If you lose something, it means you will seek it, try to find it. Replace "lose" with "release," she said, well, in approximately those words as I did not record her and was relaxed on a heated massage table with needles all over my legs, arms and face. These things make for slightly inaccurate quoting, but you get the basic idea.
If you have seen "Dinner for Schmucks" with Steve Carell, you understand one of the reasons why the phrase "I release you" is funny. If not, proceed to the next paragraph, but rent it sometime soon.
I laughed also because I thought of the concept release in terms of prison or being released from, say, an alcohol treatment center. I instantly had visions of my unwanted pounds and negative thoughts running away from me, happy to be "released," glad to be free of the bars and confines of me. In that case, I wish them the best of luck, and off they go.
"Released" additionally conjures up images of a wildlife vet show releasing healed animals back into their natural habitats. I release you into the wild! Run free, extra 30 pounds! Be free range, romp on the hillsides and return to your natural state.
All of these, of course, are my mind's way of avoiding the facts. The facts are that in the past when I have tried to lose something, it has always come back. You know the old saying, if it returns, it was yours, if not, it never was... I would like to express to the 30 pounds that I lose and gain and lose and gain that yes, I am aware that they are mine. Same with negative thoughts. Yep, I know I birthed you and raised and nurtured you like you were a pet, revisited you and made sure you had enough food/fuel. In other words, I GET IT, extra crap that I don't need... I get that you like hanging out with me because I am, in a weird way, your mommy. I held onto you, rocked you, needed you to be whole.
Now, we are going to try something new. I am no longer enabling any freeloaders, whether I created them or not. So, with the exception of my actual children whom I love unconditionally and plan to keep around among a few other good creations (relationships, hobbies, etc), I now am ready to be done with the things I have formed and created and nurtured that are no longer working.
So hey, excess baggage, ghosts of dieting past, REGRET, and repeating cycles of perfection and destruction? I am not working on losing you. You are not lost, needing to be found. You are free, you are no longer necessary. You are dismissed. I release you.
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
Nervous System, Heal Thyself!
The other day my acupuncturist told me the same thing that I once heard from someone who taught me how to pray. If you focus on healing, healing will come.
I am in the middle of a process, and when you are in the middle of something, you often can no longer see the end point any better than you can see the point from which you began.
I am attempting to trick my arthritis and fibromyalgia into reversing by changing my diet, my exercise limits and my thought patterns. I know the plan and I know what I need to be doing.
So today, arthritis, I say to you that I am not thwarted in any way by your attempt to totally lock up all of my joints tonight in a manner that has rendered me chair-bound for the majority of the evening. I instead say to you, arthritis, that I was able to spend a relaxing evening with my children and ignored your attempt to raise my body temperature by setting my joints on fire. I am able to write using minimal movement and am forgiving myself for not completing some of the other projects I wanted to finish because they required a lot of moving around. I will not yield.
And hey, fibromyalgia, your attempt to cause pain and headaches was noted and discarded. I still was able to laugh and think and write and wander around the internet despite your attempts to distract me. I am not interested in what you have to say.
Last, I speak to the thought processes that accompany chronic pain. I just want you to know, dear negative thoughts, that your complaints have been weighed, measured, and found wanting. I think I may go ahead and be grateful, excited for things to come, and enchanted by the healing that has taken place in my life thus far, no matter what you have to say about the matter.
When mind, body, and spirit are focused on healing and staying strong, chronic pain and ego lose in the end. When I am motivated to move and rest and breathe through the pain, there is a calm and a quiet and a motivation to stay positive that cannot be bottled, cannot be bought, and can't be tested by the FDA.
As for the doctor who cautioned me once about how careful I would have to be with my body in order to have a "normal life," I would be happy to tell you that my chiropractor, acupuncturist, and the God of my vast misunderstanding are working miracles in my body and my life.
So here I sit, drinking my tenth glass of water for the day, meditating on a Bible verse and occasionally humming a Yeah Yeah Yeahs song about being a warrior, swollen joints, upset stomach, and back muscles on fire... still happy as a clam, sitting here learning how to Be Still.
It's a process, not a processional.
I am in the middle of a process, and when you are in the middle of something, you often can no longer see the end point any better than you can see the point from which you began.
I am attempting to trick my arthritis and fibromyalgia into reversing by changing my diet, my exercise limits and my thought patterns. I know the plan and I know what I need to be doing.
So today, arthritis, I say to you that I am not thwarted in any way by your attempt to totally lock up all of my joints tonight in a manner that has rendered me chair-bound for the majority of the evening. I instead say to you, arthritis, that I was able to spend a relaxing evening with my children and ignored your attempt to raise my body temperature by setting my joints on fire. I am able to write using minimal movement and am forgiving myself for not completing some of the other projects I wanted to finish because they required a lot of moving around. I will not yield.
And hey, fibromyalgia, your attempt to cause pain and headaches was noted and discarded. I still was able to laugh and think and write and wander around the internet despite your attempts to distract me. I am not interested in what you have to say.
Last, I speak to the thought processes that accompany chronic pain. I just want you to know, dear negative thoughts, that your complaints have been weighed, measured, and found wanting. I think I may go ahead and be grateful, excited for things to come, and enchanted by the healing that has taken place in my life thus far, no matter what you have to say about the matter.
When mind, body, and spirit are focused on healing and staying strong, chronic pain and ego lose in the end. When I am motivated to move and rest and breathe through the pain, there is a calm and a quiet and a motivation to stay positive that cannot be bottled, cannot be bought, and can't be tested by the FDA.
As for the doctor who cautioned me once about how careful I would have to be with my body in order to have a "normal life," I would be happy to tell you that my chiropractor, acupuncturist, and the God of my vast misunderstanding are working miracles in my body and my life.
So here I sit, drinking my tenth glass of water for the day, meditating on a Bible verse and occasionally humming a Yeah Yeah Yeahs song about being a warrior, swollen joints, upset stomach, and back muscles on fire... still happy as a clam, sitting here learning how to Be Still.
It's a process, not a processional.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
WILL WRITE FOR FOOD. But not just for fun because that would be a huge waste of time.... right?
I am not sure what I am supposed to write in this lifetime. I know what I enjoy writing, and I know what I enjoy doing. I know a few other things too, but they do not have anything to do with this blog.
I have kids, therefore, I want to be the best parent possible. I am motivated to be a good mother, as best as I can be, because I love my children and because it is my job. I also do things like cook (attempt), clean, take them to soccer and remind them to feed their hermit crab, or in the case of this week, teach them how to mourn when the crab dies. Parenting also includes those moments where you do things you never thought you would do, like ask someone at PetSmart if they ever do mini crab autopsies to soothe the nerves of children who are concerned that their pets had a disease. The answer, by the way, is no. But I promised my son I would ask if we needed to bring the crab in for examination, and I did what I said I would do.
Where I begin to misunderstand my purpose is in the realm of those facets of my life that do not pertain to other people. I am motivated to take care of myself because it is good for my children to see that as an example. I am happy to tell anyone any part of my "back-story" as if it will help them, it helps me see my past chaos as an attribute rather than a liability. I am motivated to be a good girlfriend because I am in love, but also because it is the right thing to do when you are attempting to be in a functional relationship. The same goes for friendships, family, etc. I want to do the right thing and be a positive part of the lives I happen to touch, on purpose or otherwise. I hate when I have negatively impacted someone, even a little bit. I am motivated to attempt to follow God's "rules" because I feel better when I try to live up to what He built me for, however much I misunderstand that whole ball of wax.
PROBLEM: How do I motivate myself when the only recipient of the good stuff is me? I was gifted with a lot of creativity, but I find it very hard to write for myself first. I find it hard to just write what I would like to read, not tailoring it too much for others, not talking to them as I think they would like me to talk. I love playing the piano, but only picked it back up after years because I was teaching others. I rarely do anything, even creative, if there is not a purpose or a person who will benefit from it.
This either makes me the best procrastinator in the entire world, or just plain mistaken. I misunderstand and continue to scratch my head at all these gifts I was given, as they do not seem to benefit anyone. It is not enough (my head tells me) to just do something because it sets your soul on fire and lights you up from the inside. HOWEVER, I would be the first to tell someone ELSE that they should do things that make them happy, even if no one else is impacted. So... aha, yep, there it is. I think I am so damn unique that the rules don't apply to me. YOU are good enough, but I am not.
You know what is awesome about realizing how extensive your own personal character defects have smeared their mess all over your self-perception? Not much, other than the simple fact that no growth can come from a garden that is full of trash. If the main problem in my life is that I NEED TO GET OUT OF MY OWN WAY, AND APPLY THE THINGS I SAY TO OTHERS TO MYSELF, then I guess I had better accept that and start being as good to myself as I ATTEMPT to be to others.
In other words, write because I love writing, paint because it's frigging awesome, and quit spazzing out over my ideas of wasted time. There is no better use for my time than to do the things I was built to do.
I tell my kids to be themselves, but if I don't show them how by my example, all they will ever learn is how to keep running until you have pleased everyone, then collapse in a heap, feeling guilty and unhappy and not really understanding why. Maybe someday it will be enough of a motivator to also just do what makes me feel alive because it, well, makes ME feel alive.
SARA AMMON 5/2/2013
I have kids, therefore, I want to be the best parent possible. I am motivated to be a good mother, as best as I can be, because I love my children and because it is my job. I also do things like cook (attempt), clean, take them to soccer and remind them to feed their hermit crab, or in the case of this week, teach them how to mourn when the crab dies. Parenting also includes those moments where you do things you never thought you would do, like ask someone at PetSmart if they ever do mini crab autopsies to soothe the nerves of children who are concerned that their pets had a disease. The answer, by the way, is no. But I promised my son I would ask if we needed to bring the crab in for examination, and I did what I said I would do.
Where I begin to misunderstand my purpose is in the realm of those facets of my life that do not pertain to other people. I am motivated to take care of myself because it is good for my children to see that as an example. I am happy to tell anyone any part of my "back-story" as if it will help them, it helps me see my past chaos as an attribute rather than a liability. I am motivated to be a good girlfriend because I am in love, but also because it is the right thing to do when you are attempting to be in a functional relationship. The same goes for friendships, family, etc. I want to do the right thing and be a positive part of the lives I happen to touch, on purpose or otherwise. I hate when I have negatively impacted someone, even a little bit. I am motivated to attempt to follow God's "rules" because I feel better when I try to live up to what He built me for, however much I misunderstand that whole ball of wax.
PROBLEM: How do I motivate myself when the only recipient of the good stuff is me? I was gifted with a lot of creativity, but I find it very hard to write for myself first. I find it hard to just write what I would like to read, not tailoring it too much for others, not talking to them as I think they would like me to talk. I love playing the piano, but only picked it back up after years because I was teaching others. I rarely do anything, even creative, if there is not a purpose or a person who will benefit from it.
This either makes me the best procrastinator in the entire world, or just plain mistaken. I misunderstand and continue to scratch my head at all these gifts I was given, as they do not seem to benefit anyone. It is not enough (my head tells me) to just do something because it sets your soul on fire and lights you up from the inside. HOWEVER, I would be the first to tell someone ELSE that they should do things that make them happy, even if no one else is impacted. So... aha, yep, there it is. I think I am so damn unique that the rules don't apply to me. YOU are good enough, but I am not.
You know what is awesome about realizing how extensive your own personal character defects have smeared their mess all over your self-perception? Not much, other than the simple fact that no growth can come from a garden that is full of trash. If the main problem in my life is that I NEED TO GET OUT OF MY OWN WAY, AND APPLY THE THINGS I SAY TO OTHERS TO MYSELF, then I guess I had better accept that and start being as good to myself as I ATTEMPT to be to others.
In other words, write because I love writing, paint because it's frigging awesome, and quit spazzing out over my ideas of wasted time. There is no better use for my time than to do the things I was built to do.
I tell my kids to be themselves, but if I don't show them how by my example, all they will ever learn is how to keep running until you have pleased everyone, then collapse in a heap, feeling guilty and unhappy and not really understanding why. Maybe someday it will be enough of a motivator to also just do what makes me feel alive because it, well, makes ME feel alive.
SARA AMMON 5/2/2013
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