I am not sure what I am supposed to write in this lifetime. I know what I enjoy writing, and I know what I enjoy doing. I know a few other things too, but they do not have anything to do with this blog.
I have kids, therefore, I want to be the best parent possible. I am motivated to be a good mother, as best as I can be, because I love my children and because it is my job. I also do things like cook (attempt), clean, take them to soccer and remind them to feed their hermit crab, or in the case of this week, teach them how to mourn when the crab dies. Parenting also includes those moments where you do things you never thought you would do, like ask someone at PetSmart if they ever do mini crab autopsies to soothe the nerves of children who are concerned that their pets had a disease. The answer, by the way, is no. But I promised my son I would ask if we needed to bring the crab in for examination, and I did what I said I would do.
Where I begin to misunderstand my purpose is in the realm of those facets of my life that do not pertain to other people. I am motivated to take care of myself because it is good for my children to see that as an example. I am happy to tell anyone any part of my "back-story" as if it will help them, it helps me see my past chaos as an attribute rather than a liability. I am motivated to be a good girlfriend because I am in love, but also because it is the right thing to do when you are attempting to be in a functional relationship. The same goes for friendships, family, etc. I want to do the right thing and be a positive part of the lives I happen to touch, on purpose or otherwise. I hate when I have negatively impacted someone, even a little bit. I am motivated to attempt to follow God's "rules" because I feel better when I try to live up to what He built me for, however much I misunderstand that whole ball of wax.
PROBLEM: How do I motivate myself when the only recipient of the good stuff is me? I was gifted with a lot of creativity, but I find it very hard to write for myself first. I find it hard to just write what I would like to read, not tailoring it too much for others, not talking to them as I think they would like me to talk. I love playing the piano, but only picked it back up after years because I was teaching others. I rarely do anything, even creative, if there is not a purpose or a person who will benefit from it.
This either makes me the best procrastinator in the entire world, or just plain mistaken. I misunderstand and continue to scratch my head at all these gifts I was given, as they do not seem to benefit anyone. It is not enough (my head tells me) to just do something because it sets your soul on fire and lights you up from the inside. HOWEVER, I would be the first to tell someone ELSE that they should do things that make them happy, even if no one else is impacted. So... aha, yep, there it is. I think I am so damn unique that the rules don't apply to me. YOU are good enough, but I am not.
You know what is awesome about realizing how extensive your own personal character defects have smeared their mess all over your self-perception? Not much, other than the simple fact that no growth can come from a garden that is full of trash. If the main problem in my life is that I NEED TO GET OUT OF MY OWN WAY, AND APPLY THE THINGS I SAY TO OTHERS TO MYSELF, then I guess I had better accept that and start being as good to myself as I ATTEMPT to be to others.
In other words, write because I love writing, paint because it's frigging awesome, and quit spazzing out over my ideas of wasted time. There is no better use for my time than to do the things I was built to do.
I tell my kids to be themselves, but if I don't show them how by my example, all they will ever learn is how to keep running until you have pleased everyone, then collapse in a heap, feeling guilty and unhappy and not really understanding why. Maybe someday it will be enough of a motivator to also just do what makes me feel alive because it, well, makes ME feel alive.
SARA AMMON 5/2/2013
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