(In the last entry, I spoke about a plan I started on Day 1 of summer. I will post and update on the Plan at the end, which is Day 71/Monday. Maybe. I am not sure if I am willing to admit how much I didn't accomplish, but in retrospect, my goals tend to lean toward the unrealistic. It's fun to shoot high.)
Confidence VS Ego:
The title is true, as my children told me just today that my brownies are awesome. My ego would like the world to think I am beautiful, exotic and creative, and also kind and saintlike, but the truth is I live and thrive on the little things that I am able to do well. I try to add to that list. I try to focus on the things I can do, tiptoeing toward confidence without my ego noticing where I am headed.
My ego prefers I see myself as very, very big. I am not referring to weight. I do not like those moments where I realize that I am just one gumball in the glass bowl of a huge machine. But my inferiority complex likes to fight with my ego maniacism, making it difficult to set boundaries with myself in terms of self-image. I am not going to bother with the idea of self-esteem, as I would rather not take more time thinking about myself than necessary. So this is not about self-esteem, Thank God.
I have been told recently that I lack, sadly, basic confidence. Sure footing. I argued with said person that I do have confidence, I do know what I stand for. She rebuffed with a few examples of me bending at every wind, worrying about what others think about me WAY TOO OFTEN, and things of that nature. I simultaneously shook my head in disagreement and turned red, broke into a sweat. I think I mistook my passions for certain things, i.e. my beautiful, intelligent and huge-hearted children for example, as sure-footing. Just because I am passionate about something, or some things, doesn't mean I can't be knocked down easily when the focus turns to ME and my own goals. I will stand my ground on many things, but if you berate ME, I tend to waffle, wondering if you have a point.
In my recent awesome attempts at sales and freelance work, I have found that the biggest roadblocks have come from within. Corny, I know, but I have to look inside and figure out what is broken and either fix it or surrender to it or do a little of both.
I would write more about confidence, but I think I need to do some reading on the subject first. See, I am not even confident about my own information about confidence.
Here's my basic M.O.
"I am so excited that I am (doing something/writing something/creating something/inspired by something/making some decision/ad infinitum)!" I say to (x), enthusiastically.
(X) responds: "(insert something that is supposed to disprove the object or passion/idea, and/or a comment on how impossible the goal is and/or a reference to failures of the past, in other words, you can't or shouldn't want to try to do whatever it is you want to do, because you can't, and here's why.....)"
(NOTE: X's response is usually followed with a pat on the head or shoulders and/or a hug and a "you know I still love you, but..." - something along those lines, to soften the blow.
A CONFIDENT PERSON'S RESPONSE: "Well, I am sorry you feel that way. I will not be swayed - this is how I feel/what I am going to do/what I want, and it's a bummer that you are not on board. Now excuse me while I go and make my dreams come true/make some phone calls/possibly unfriend you on Facebook."
MY TYPICAL ACTUAL RESPONSE: None, as I am still weighing out what the person said, and trying to figure out whether they are wrong. I am also comparing my own internal Pros and Cons list to what they just said, checking to see if my internal logic has failed. Or I am backpeddling because I now feel like an ass, and if I am back-peddling, I promise that I am feeling sick about being such a coward at the same time that I am nodding and agreeing with X. If I say anything, it is something along the lines of the following:
"Yeah, well, I know it's a long shot, but it's something I want to try.... I know I will need a back-up plan.... Yes, I have heard there is no money in it, as you say, but.... (INSERT MORE BACK-PEDDLING NONSENSE SPRINKLED WITH ANYTHING THAT WILL BRING THE CONVERSATION TO A QUICK CLOSE)."
I am done with this line of thinking. I don't care anymore. I have this weird feeling that the Creator of the Universe + science + spirituality + Jesus + modern psychology + Sesame Street ALL support my theory that I have a brain in my head so I can use it, and there are things that I can choose to do while on this Earth that will make me happier than I ever was while trying to please everyone.
I am not referring, of course, to times that the person has a valid point. I will take pointers on say writing or sales from writers or salespeople. I will take tips on managing my life from persons who have something to offer in that category, which is only logical. That being said, if I have upset or offended you by anything stated above, or you think my ideas are stupid and/or you think I am a horrible writer.... you are only right if I let you be.
