Filters are all the rage in modern social media. I have friends who have never been so tan, who suddenly have no wrinkles... whose lives are very well lit lately. A recent discussion with a friend provided comic relief as we poked fun at ourselves for being so focused on how we are viewed by the outside world, in social media, and by people who love and like us enough to engage with us in various ways throughout our day. But it was also sad, and scary, how many fears we have about how we are viewed.
It's unrealistic to say that one doesn't care what others think. I have yet to meet a single human walking the face of this lovely little planet who REALLY doesn't care what anyone else thinks of him or her. I have never met a single person who truly lives in their own mind, wanting and needing no outside influence.
If this is true, that we all to some degree actually give a shit about how others see us, then we are all fighting the same battle. How much do I share? How much do you WANT to know? How close do I actually let you get?
How much Me can you handle?
I am in the staging area right now. All around me are the ruins of old belief systems, the shaky paper-thin arguments of new ideas trying to gain stability, and then, of course, all of the input I receive from others during my daily walk through human living. Then there is that pesky question of Time. Add in the filter of a brain that functions in an atypical manner, and you have a woman standing in a chaotic cloud of who she is, who she has been, ideas of who she wants to be.. it's very, very loud in here.
Motivation is about movement, purpose. Outside stimuli causes something in us to quake, and we begin to question and perhaps to change. Voices from the past tell us who we are supposed to be but are all filtered. The person who told you you would never amount to much filtered those words through his/her brain after they rolled around in a muck of their own experiences and things THEY were told about how things ARE... and their role in your life makes a difference. A total stranger runs past you on the street and calls you a fucking moron, and you laugh. But your boss tells you he questions a decision you made, you listen a little closer... a friend expresses doubt about your choices, you take pause... a loved one tells you anything at all, and you take it to heart. Most people do, whether they admit it or not. Most people do, even if they don't know for sure if what they were told about themselves is actually true. Maybe these things said to us are things we need to hear. Perhaps we make a change and adjust. We might just log the item away for later processing. But we are motivated by the words of those around us - they usually do not just hit us like a soundproof glass window and fall to the ground, completely ignored.
I think it is false logic to claim that I should not concern myself with what others think.
It is also false logic to assume that they are correct in their viewpoints of me.
And it is absolute lunacy to assume that my viewpoints of others are not filtered through my own view, and possibly altered in the process, making them, in my mind, someone else entirely.
The stability of my own viewpoint at this moment has to be centered in what I think of myself, and then the next layer can be the various ways others see me, taking into stark account the validity of their own filters.
I know who I am. I know what I want. If I ever seem wishy-washy about it, it's because I have been instructed over the years to pay close attention to what you say, to what you tell me about how you see me. One "mentor" of the past even went so far as to say that what I think of myself is none of my business and that really, the only accuracy that points to who I really am is that which is outside of my own mind.
RUBBISH.
I get one life here, same as you, same as any of us. I know who I am. I know what I want out of this life. I have no idea half the time how to get it, but that's a completely different topic. I also know, very sharply, that my self-image is slippery and is altered quickly by outside stimuli due to my own issues, which are also completely different topics.
Cognitive body distortion/eating disorder issues of my childhood whisper constantly that I am not viewing myself accurately. That I am, in fact, hideous and ridiculous and awkward and ugly. An example of when internal filters go awry is the fact that I use selfies and photos taken by others to remind myself that what my mind tries to feed me is bullshit. I can look at the image and remind myself that THAT is what I look like, and train my brain to respect that body, that woman, for her own unique beauty. There is nothing wrong with her. That is an example of a filter gone wrong, and my viewpoint when in that head space is incorrect, motivating me to make decisions that are based on a lie.
But there is another way to look at this.
If I allow myself to be brave enough to listen, I hear other input and can put other filters in place. It is braver to actually accept compliments than to assume all negative feedback is 100% correct. It is braver to sit down and think about who I want to be, and focus my efforts on aligning my life along those lines.
I can see it from another view, angle... I can choose to be motivated by positive rather than negative feedback. I can opt to switch my thinking, or at least try to. Interestingly, that is STILL a filter. Is that reality? Is that stability? Is that truth?
Is it ever possible for us to accurately see ourselves in and by ourselves, without the input of others? Is it possible that the filter of your ideas of me layered over the real me IS me?
Whatever the answers, whatever is right, whatever is accurate... the truth for me today is that I am no longer going to believe everything I think about myself, but I am going to take it more seriously than what YOU think of me, so much more so that perhaps I can switch off the aching need for your acceptance and approval or at least hit "dim." Think that sounds childish to say? I dare you to say that you don't have a need inside you for approval and acceptance. It's primal. The part that becomes problematic is when it starts to ache. That is what I need to address.
I do not think I am alone in this.
The love and acceptance I show you can be turned inward. I am the woman who sees the good in everyone, who gives people thousands of second chances and who sees you, all of you, for who you really are and loves and accepts you as fellow humans. There are few obvious exceptions to this, and some obvious problems as well. But I must be motivated by the quest for a stable view of myself. I have to learn how to bestow upon myself the same mercies I have always tried to bestow upon others.
Trust me, I fuck this up all the time. The motivating factor, now, is that I don't want to spend the rest of my life kicking my own ass for making human mistakes, even if some of you rejected me for them, even if some of you couldn't understand me and made your exits. I refuse to look back someday and wish that I had actually lived my life as Me, and not as the person you needed me to be.
For my children, for my family, for my friends and for those out there that I truly, truly love.... I might seem different as I start growing along these specific lines. But allow me to introduce myself. And I will, in turn, allow you to be who you really are. No filters.
