The Art of IDK

There are the basic things that we need to do, the things that need to be done.  They are obvious, right in front of our faces, or pleading loudly, responses needed.  I do not need to ponder the meaning of the dishes. They just need to be done.  No philosophy supports the basic need to wash the clothes or keep food in the house.  These things are obvious and easy.  Parenting is even simpler - love them, feed them, attempt to do for them that which is right and take the actions needed to help them prosper as children now and as adults later.

The basic To Do's of life are not the things perplexing me today.  My brain is tied up at the moment with the task of deciding my path, my future.  It is attempting to calculate the pros and cons of things yet undone, basing calculations on possibilities and guesses.  It is practicing the fine art and science of I DON'T KNOW.  And it hates it.

I like logic.  Add to this the opportunity to choose my own fate, and my brain gets fogged.  I am in the middle of my own Choose Your Own Adventure book, but none of the options are written out.  It is the writer's dream, really, to be able to craft a story.  But what to do when the story I am writing is my own?

I know I want to go back to school, and also know I want to write.  I want to work for myself and set my own schedule, as I have children who have appointments during the week, and my health goes in spurts.  I can work an eleven-hour day, but the next day need a three-hour lunch.  I have a beautiful resume' which served me better when I didn't have children who needed me to be home more and when I was able to work as long as it took, when I had childcare that was flexible so I could work longer hours.

I am talented and have potential.  I have a varied work history that has allowed me to be trained in many different fields.  I have skills to burn.

I can't narrow down a major, can't pick from all the options.  I can't decide which of my ten writing projects to focus on.  I do not know if I should attempt sales or transcription.  I am interested in everything from art history to chemistry to computer programming.

So what do I want to do with the rest of my life?  I don't know.

I am tempted to start throwing dice or flipping coins or letting my kids pick options at random like cards from a deck.  I am glad they love me enough to humor me.  Mommy will figure out what she wants to do when she grows up, eventually.

I smell something burning.

I am not sure where I heard this, but it lodged itself in my brain and is one of my favorite sayings.  "Not everyone does what they do because they see the light but because they feel the heat."  Motivation - which is better, the drive to do the right thing, or the intense action that comes from trying to back away from flames?

I am the CEO of my household and my life at this point in my life, and my job is to motivate and inspire my employee, who is also me... there are days that this is a confusing process, and both boss and employee are jumping up and down on my last nerve.  I will never get an award for my ability to motivate myself, and my God knows I struggle with this as I whine and even yell in prayer and meditation, usually when I am confronted with a task that seems insurmountable.  I forget the things I have accomplished and stare at one stupid thing, asking for it to be removed when the still, small voice says, "Um, just climb over, or walk around.  Stop being a wuss."

I am attempting to motivate myself, and at the same time, annoying myself... a perplexing and obnoxious concept.  God and the universe have keen senses of humor, and someone is watching all of this, eating popcorn and cracking up, I am sure of it.

But, the task is mine, and I wholly accept and surrender to it.  I usually cannot persuade myself to keep the energy going just by patting myself on the back.  If I light a fire under my own ass, or set up deadlines for myself, or even time myself, race myself, it gets done.  Those are the days when there isn't a fire already lit.

Today... today fires are lit.  Plural.  I need to make some major decisions about how to proceed, career-wise, and that overlaps two children's schooling and medical treatment plans and all the other fun add-ons that everyone has such as bills, family obligations, and friends.  So today - today I am motivated because I need to move forward, and need to make decisions with the rapid-fire succession of a fire chief making life or death calls, deciding what needs to be ignored and allowed to burn away in order to focus on what needs to be saved, with the main focus being the safety and saving of health and life.

Also, on a side note, if I hear that Girl On Fire song one more time on the radio, I am going to lose it.  

In the end, it doesn't matter if I am focusing on the light, or running from the heat the way a toddler scoots away from a swat on the behind.  Either way, I need to keep moving and doing the next right thing.  Fire or light, I can work by the glow of either, and the outcome is often the same.