The Art of IDK

There are the basic things that we need to do, the things that need to be done.  They are obvious, right in front of our faces, or pleading loudly, responses needed.  I do not need to ponder the meaning of the dishes. They just need to be done.  No philosophy supports the basic need to wash the clothes or keep food in the house.  These things are obvious and easy.  Parenting is even simpler - love them, feed them, attempt to do for them that which is right and take the actions needed to help them prosper as children now and as adults later.

The basic To Do's of life are not the things perplexing me today.  My brain is tied up at the moment with the task of deciding my path, my future.  It is attempting to calculate the pros and cons of things yet undone, basing calculations on possibilities and guesses.  It is practicing the fine art and science of I DON'T KNOW.  And it hates it.

I like logic.  Add to this the opportunity to choose my own fate, and my brain gets fogged.  I am in the middle of my own Choose Your Own Adventure book, but none of the options are written out.  It is the writer's dream, really, to be able to craft a story.  But what to do when the story I am writing is my own?

I know I want to go back to school, and also know I want to write.  I want to work for myself and set my own schedule, as I have children who have appointments during the week, and my health goes in spurts.  I can work an eleven-hour day, but the next day need a three-hour lunch.  I have a beautiful resume' which served me better when I didn't have children who needed me to be home more and when I was able to work as long as it took, when I had childcare that was flexible so I could work longer hours.

I am talented and have potential.  I have a varied work history that has allowed me to be trained in many different fields.  I have skills to burn.

I can't narrow down a major, can't pick from all the options.  I can't decide which of my ten writing projects to focus on.  I do not know if I should attempt sales or transcription.  I am interested in everything from art history to chemistry to computer programming.

So what do I want to do with the rest of my life?  I don't know.

I am tempted to start throwing dice or flipping coins or letting my kids pick options at random like cards from a deck.  I am glad they love me enough to humor me.  Mommy will figure out what she wants to do when she grows up, eventually.